every heart has a secret sorrow
by george's firework
Summary: Precious days before the battle, Neville goes to visit his parents for what could be the very last time. Set in DH


Neville couldn't remember the first time he went to visit his parents in St. Mungo's, when he was two. He couldn't remember his second visit, a month later, or his third visit just two weeks after that, or his fourth visit. In fact, the first visit he could actually remember completely with vivid clarity was his ninth visit, which happened the day after his sixth birthday. It was quite the disaster.

For a six year old, a hospital is quite an overwhelming place – especially one as hectic as St Mungo's – and Neville was completely terrified just sitting in the waiting room. Before going to see his parents, he and his grandmother had gone up to the fifth floor for a cup of tea and some lunch. The serving witch had spilt tea all over his brand new jumper (a present from his grandmother which was decidedly hideous) and dropped his grandmother's lunch on the floor after sliding through the puddle of tea dripping off him. His grandmother had been furious, but Neville hadn't particularly cared – he wouldn't have been able to eat anything anyway.

And then they were walking down the stairs to the fourth floor and a friendly Healer appeared to lead them to the Janus Thickey Ward where his parents waited. They'd only been there for twenty minutes before his mother burst into panicked tears because there were strangers in her room. Seeing his wife cry had set Frank off too and the Healers had ushered Neville and his grandmother out of the room with apologetic faces.

Now it was nearly twelve years later and he was visiting them again under the cover of nightfall and one of Seamus's surprisingly effective Disillusionment charms. He had been apprehensive at first, when the Irish boy with a love of pyrotechnics had approached him with a raised wand but Seamus had done a much better job than he ever could have.

"Nev, are you sure you're going to be alright?" Seamus had asked just before he stepped into the tunnel which led directly to St. Mungo's – the room of requirement was completely amazing. He'd paused to look over all the people who had gathered to say goodbye and wish him luck (apart from Parvati who was sleeping off a dose of Dreamless Sleep potion to stop the nightmares which made her thrash in her sleep and open the wounds inflicted by the Carrows), to look over all the bruised faces, the determined stares, the people who would keep fighting no matter what.

"Yeah," he had said after a moment. "Yeah, I'll be alright. Don't start any wars while I'm gone," he joked and then stepped into the tunnel and began to walk through a tunnel which seemed to just lead straight to a dead end. Neville took a deep breath, feeling the nerves build up in his stomach, and then stepped through the wall which was actually a Portkey. The walls around him changed from dark, dingy rock to light, clean wallpaper and Neville flattened himself against a wall as a Healer hurried past, glad that he was under the charm.

"Where's Healer Strout?" Someone yelled from nearby and Neville breathed a sigh of relief as the plump woman bustled past – this meant there would be no one watching over the Janus Thickey Ward where his parents were still waiting after seventeen years.

He felt as if he were floating as he silently made his way up to the fourth floor, past various people with varying alarming things sprouting from them, or pouring from them, or making them do crazy things. It felt so surreal to be back here after so long away from it, after he'd started coming to Hogwarts he'd only been able to visit three or four times a year and in the last year he hadn't been able to visit once – not after his grandmother went on the run.

"Alohomora," he whispered upon reaching the ward. The lock clicked and he slipped inside, glad to see that the patients were all asleep. Quickly he turned around and locked the door again, and then removed his Disillusionment charm. A mumble behind him made him freeze.

"Well, thank you, Gladys. You're too kind. For me? Why, my dear Gladys, what on earth have I done to merit such a beautifully crafted cake?" Neville let out a sigh of relief as he turned slowly to regard his old Defence Against the Dark Arts professor who was talking to himself in his sleep, a smile on his face and a quill clutched tightly in his hand. Neville rolled his eyes and chuckled lightly before slowly twisting to face the end of the ward.

They were there, in the two beds pushed together at the end of the ward, as they always had been. He smiled to himself, remembering the enormous fuss that had kicked up when he had decided to push the beds together during his third year. What harm would it do, if they were sleeping that bit closer together? He had reckoned that, perhaps, it could help them if they woke up and there was a somewhat familiar presence nearby. As familiar as they could be to each other, really.

"Hey Mum, hey Dad," he whispered, seating himself on the chair he had sat on so many times before. It never moved, due to fear of disturbing Frank and Alice, but it was a strange comfort to sit on the worn leather and watch his parents breathing deeply. He often thought they were at their most sane when they were sleeping; their expressions were much calmer and on the rare occasion that he heard them talk in their sleep, they both sounded a lot more sure of themselves than on the rare occasions that they spoke when they were awake.

"I, ah, figured I should come and see you before the end of the school year because I know something's going to happen soon. Something always happens at the end of the year, doesn't it?" Neville smiled to himself and cupped the back of his neck, closing his eyes as he leaned back. He found himself wondering if this was the last time he'd be able to speak to his parents.

"I wish I could promise to be back in a couple of months, like I always do, but I'd be lying if I told you that was a promise I wouldn't break. See, I think this is goodbye – for now at least. You aren't aware of this, but we're in the middle of a war and it's even bigger than the last one I reckon, because this time Vol- he's going after Harry for what is probably the last time, I mean, Harry's evaded him for so long now it's probably about time for a final showdown…" Neville trailed off and sighed, passing a weary hand over his eyes.

"Anyway, it doesn't really matter to you here – you're not going to be affected by it. You know, it may sound weird but I think of this place as a sort of heaven – as twisted as that is. I know the whole illness thing kind of takes away from the purity of it, but if you forgot about the illness for just a second you'd realise this place is truly amazing. It's completely removed from the rest of the wizarding world and everything is so clean and bright. I've never admitted this to anyone before but you're sort of like angels to me – just quiet ones, that's all." Neville gently pushed up from the chair, wincing as the leather squeaked, and paced over to the window. Bright moonlight was streaming through it and creating beautiful patterns on the floor.

"Earlier I said that this might be goodbye for now but maybe I should just stay here. It's so weird knowing that, if I go back to Hogwarts I could die tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I could even die today but it doesn't feel like that's going to happen because today I'm here. It kind of feels like nothing exists outside of this hospital room… that there isn't a war going on and that people aren't dying as I speak. But, unfortunately, there is a war going on and people are dying as I speak… Sooner or later this will all be over, one way or another, but for now I feel as if I'm detached from reality. But, you know, I'm still bleeding from the latest punishment so obviously I'm still alive…" He left his sentence hanging and went to kneel in front of the two beds which housed his still sleeping parents. When he next spoke, his voice was raspy, despite the fact that he wasn't crying.

"All I've ever wanted is one moment of a normal, family life with you. Just ten minutes where I could give you a hug without you flinching away or bursting into tears, ten minutes where you could look at me without confusion in your eyes and say my name. I would give up everything just to hear you say my name once, just once. Is that too much to ask?" He buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath, not sure where this sudden outburst had come from. "For the past seventeen years you've been broken beyond repair and it's just not fair, it's not fair! It's not fair on you, or me, or the rest of the family. And it's all their fault that you're like this. _Bellatrix Lestrange_," he sneered the name and then sniffed back a sudden surge of emotion. "I promise, if it's the last thing I do, I'll have revenge for you."

He stood, then, and roughly wiped away the few tears that had gone through with the threat of falling. As he walked away he didn't glance back, knowing he'd never be able to go back to Hogwarts if he did. He took several deep breaths and rubbed at his face again before stepping back through the Portkey wall that had brought him there.

If he had turned back, he would have noticed his mother watching him with confused eyes, wondering who this stranger in her bedroom was.


End file.
